Winter Break, Day 1

Woke up without an alarm today. Had coffee in my new Twitter-inspired mug while I watched the finale of Alpha House in bed on my iPad. Read the Amy Poehler/Tina Fey-edited EW while I watched The Getaway on Esquire, cuddled on the couch with Maverick.

Took a long shower. Blogged.

Met friends for Mexican food and beers. Reminisced. Gossiped. Vented.

Had a belated Christmas dinner and present unwrapping at home with my family, and then went to the movies to see Saving Mr. Banks.

Then it was home again for crafting, cleaning and blogging, apparently. And I didn't check my work email once.

All I Want for Christmas

Feelings today.

Penguins in Holiday-Wear

Because, why not. 

RIP Eric "Guitar" Davis

Some of my greatest nights were spent at Beale on Broadway in awe of your guitar skills. Thanks for the memories. 

Beach Packing Guide (via 'Love You, Mean It')

Although, this guide has me leaning towards Mexico or Greece. 

Wanderlust

I get the itch to travel. It's a blessing and a curse (on my coworkers and my wallet).

Tonight, I emailed a friend/excellent travel companion about planning a trip sometime after March. You see, in that single month, I've got a baby (not mine), a wedding (not mine) and a big reunion (that I'm co-chairing), so thinking about a trip just cannot happen before April. Initial thoughts are Greece (because, YES), Pacific Northwest (because, let's face it, it's due for a visit), Mexico (because it's easy) and Alaska (because… why the hell not).

I should be saving to visit my brand new niece that will be arriving. Or my brother in North Carolina. Or maybe I should just be waiting to see what happens with other things in my life… but nope. I'm going for it. And by ;going for it' I mean, I'll start thinking about it in April.

If anything, it'll earn me some great frequent flier miles, right?

None Of This Is What Matters

Unpacking boxes, trying my best to put things in a place they might belong. Constantly reminded of what's missing, where things used to go. Putting up Christmas decorations that last saw the light in such a happy home. 

I can fill this place with stuff, but it's still missing someone. I'm still missing someone. 

Weekends Are Hard

Regret

See pictures like this and immediately regret chopping my hair off this weekend. 

Checking In to Say 'I'm Alive'

/ the rest doesn't even matter. 

Reality Check

It was easier in college. I was always in transition. I moved in and out every single semester during those 4 years. My schedule changed every semester. I met new people all the time. Walked different routes to class. Went to different bars. Things were changing all the time.

But how do you deal when your life isn't in transition? When you like your life the way it is. You like your job and where you live and who you spend your time with.

I like these streets. I like this route to work. I like my bathroom, my bedroom, my living room, my kitchen. I like this routine. I'm trying to cancel utilities and set up my mail forwarding and I just can't do it. I'm trying to pack and I just can't. I just want to lay in my bed - our bed - all day. Waiting for it to change. Waiting to wake up from this nightmare.

And the reality is I only have one night left in a house I was ready to spend years in, with someone I was ready to spend my life with.

My heart aches.

The Ballad of Love and Hate

Hate gets home lucky to still be alive. 
He screams o'er the sidewalk and into the drive. 
The clock in the kitchen says 2:55, 
 And the clock in the kitchen is slow. 

Love has been waiting, patient and kind. 
Just wanting a phone call or some kind of sign, 
That the one that she cares for, who's out of his mind, 
Will make it back safe to her arms. 

Hate stumbles forward and leans in the door. 
Weary head hung, eyes to the floor. 
He says "Love, I'm sorry", and she says, "What for? 
I'm yours and that's it, Whatever. 
I should not have been gone for so long. 
I'm yours and that's it, forever." 

You're mine and that's it, forever.

For those of you keeping count, this is actually a reblog from 2011.

NYC Style

Escape from reality, pt. II this weekend in NYC. Trying to get excited about packing.

images via Pinterest

Greetings from Orlando

Here for work, not necessarily for play. Although, if you have been keeping up with my life/this blog you know it's a much needed escape from reality. 

That Point

At some time every day I get exhausted with work, with pretending, and all I want to do is look at pictures of you, talk to you, think about you, cry about you.

Random emails and IMs to you used to get me through the day and make me smile and excited to see you. And now those are gone.

And I just realized the point at which I give up and look for you each day is right around the time you call me and say you are on your way home from work and ask what I am doing.

Sad face.

Nostalgia

Feeling it today. Bad. 

This Fall

Apologies in advance for those of you who read this blog for cute style inspiration, fun things to do in St. Louis and my boring weekend to do lists. This blog is first and foremost for me and there's some stuff I need to get off my chest. Shit's about to get real.

Fall used to be my favorite time of year in St. Louis. There were so many festivals, Oktoberfest, balloon races in Forest Park, perfect weather for walks and visits to the Tower Grove Farmers Market. It was the best time for leaves on the street, the Best of Missouri Markets, the Shaw Art Fair, decorating pumpkins for my front porch, stops in at the Companion Early Bird Outlet for some bread and pastries. It was late season Cardinals games, and if we were lucky a World Series run. It was a time for sweaters and jackets and beards and beers and everything I loved.

But this year my fall is different. 

It feels isolated and lonely and unmotivated.

I feel like just sitting at home and watching TV and eating Ben and Jerry's. Or maybe just sleeping. Or maybe just laying there. Not sleeping, not reading, not thinking.

I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't want to see anyone.

Yet, at the same time I am craving attention. I want to be seen, be heard, be held, be loved. Misery doesn't love company, it loves an audience.

I want to cry. I want to scream. I want to stop crying. I want to feel nothing when I feel something, and I want to feel something when I feel nothing.

I'll probably read this someday - maybe tomorrow, maybe next week, maybe a year from now - and I'll regret it. I'll think I sound pathetic or sad or that I was feeling this way over nothing and no one. I'll probably take it down.

But today, this fall, this is how I'm feeling. 

The Process

"I’m having a hard time trusting in The Process." 

 “What process?” 

 “The process that says if I do my part, everything will turn out right.”

via humans of new york

Lately It's the Wine

Today is THE WORST.

That's all. I might delete this post later. Maybe.

This Weekend

Quick list of things to do this weekend:

• drink wine and catch up with girlfriends in Columbia
• watch Project Runway
• have a movie marathon of Bling Ring, Drinking Buddies, Great Gatsby and/or Mud
• sleep in my bed and watch shows on my iPad – because I plan on being too lazy for the couch
• paint my nails some pretty fall color
• go to Target and buy throw pillows, fall candles, plaid things and a face mask
• clean my house
• go for a run sans dog – he's on 'vacation' with my parents
• watch the Emmy's with my good friends red wine, Old St. Louis Chop Suey and Ben & Jerry's

image via Littlest Things

Be Better: No Matter How You Feel

The Essential Southwest Colorado Camping/Road Trip Packing List

I just got back from a six-day trip to Southwest Colorado and Arizona to visit the Grand Canyon and Petrified Forest and decided to put together a little list of the things I couldn't live without. Now, keep in mind this list is excluding the obvious – like a tent, for example – but come on, that would just be overwhelming to name every single thing.

I will say, for the sake of transparency, that all of our camping equipment was shipped out to Colorado a few week's prior, so we didn't have to worry about getting that through security or on the plane. Definitely made things easier. And I was travelling in a pair, so that meant two carry-on bags (and more importantly, two Ziploc baggies of liquids!).

So, here it is, my Essential Southwest Colorado Camping/Road Trip Packing List:

Baseball cap, backpack, and as many American Apparel v-necks as your suitcase will allow. This pic was from our day at Mesa Verde. 

TGFB (Thank God for Birchbox!) We've accumulated so many travel size items it makes packing a breeze. Pictured here, toothpaste, dry shampoo, moisturizer and CC cream. Also, wet wipes! These things came in super handy for days we didn't get to shower (as did the dry shampoo). 

A rain jacket. You know, for that day that it inevitably rains on your hike at the Grand Canyon. le sigh. 

Slip-on shoes for the airport, long days in the car and at campsites are a must! Sperry's were substantial enough for all the little trails and scenic overlooks we stopped to visit.

A koozie for all the beers you'll be consuming. Don't worry about packing it though - pick one up as a souvenir! :)

Scandal (or other binge-worthy show) on your iPad. I'll admit, I planned to do a lot of reading this week, and alas, I did not. But hey, now I'm all caught up with Olivia Pope and pals. 

Also got a lot of use out of Nike dri-fit socks, my cross body bag from Rack and Clutch, quick-dry towels from Reebok (pretty sure they were meant for hot yoga...) and our car charger for iPhone/iPad. 

Happy packing! :)

Read more about my visit to the Grand Canyon, Petrified Forest National Park, Mesa Verde, Cortez, Durango and beyond. 

On the Road in Southwest Colorado

On our Labor Day visit to Southwest Colorado, we spent time in Durango and Cortez, and visited the Grand Canyon, Petrified Forest and Mesa Verde. Along the way there were stops at the Four Corners, Elephant Feet, the Little Colorado Gorge, badlands in New Mexico, breweries, diners and Lot-a-Burgers.

I hate being stuck in a car for hours, but looking back at the pictures makes me miss the open road.

Read more about our other stops: the Grand Canyon, Petrified Forest National Park, and Mesa Verde. 

Target Fall 2013

See the full look book here. 

Be Better: Happy Camper

"Happy campers aren't just 'good'; they're 'great.'"

Visiting Mesa Verde on Labor Day Weekend

On our Labor Day Weekend trip to Colorado, we spent the morning one day exploring Mesa Verde. We only did one tour – Cliff Palace. I wish we had done a couple more, but we were both exhausted and had quite a drive ahead of us still as we were spending the afternoon in Durango. 

The Cliff Palace tour was fun (and less 'strenuous' than I expected). Our Ranger talked a lot about how what they ate, how they hunted and survived, which I think was really interesting to Joe. I was too preoccupied with the hundreds of birds flying in and out of the cliff above us, the kids that I thought were going to fall in the kiva and anticipating the climb up the narrow cliff to exit. 

Mesa Verde also has a lot of scenic look out points to stop at on your drive up the mountain. Getting there was more driving than I anticipated, so these little stopping points were nice. 

Read more about our other stops: the Grand Canyon, Petrified Forest National Park, Cortez, Durango and beyond. 

Be Better: Apologize

Apologize for things as soon as you realize you were wrong, even if you have to swallow your pride to do so. 

from Chelsea's Guide to Being More Happy

Visiting Petrified Forest National Park for Labor Day Weekend

After our stay at the Grand Canyon, we headed east to the Petrified Forest National Park. The 'forest' is not really a forest at all. It's a desert. A desert with a bunch of logs so old that they turned to stone. (Or something like that... there is a lot of science involved that I do not understand.)

After hiking in the rain in the morning, the blue skies and nice breeze was a welcome change. 

After an afternoon walking around the park, we drove to our nearby KOA in Holbrook and were happy to find that they had a pool – seriously, the highlight of my summer! We sat by the pool, grilled for dinner, and finally got to see some stars! (it had been too cloudy previous nights)

Even though we were advised to skip the Petrified Forest, I'm glad we went. It was a gorgeous day, we got to see some really cool rocks logs petrified wood and of course, we got to go swimming! Holbrook and the National Park are a little out of the way, but if you're ever in the area you should stop by. 

Read more about our other stops: the Grand Canyon, Mesa Verde, Cortez, Durango and beyond.