This Fall

Apologies in advance for those of you who read this blog for cute style inspiration, fun things to do in St. Louis and my boring weekend to do lists. This blog is first and foremost for me and there's some stuff I need to get off my chest. Shit's about to get real.

Fall used to be my favorite time of year in St. Louis. There were so many festivals, Oktoberfest, balloon races in Forest Park, perfect weather for walks and visits to the Tower Grove Farmers Market. It was the best time for leaves on the street, the Best of Missouri Markets, the Shaw Art Fair, decorating pumpkins for my front porch, stops in at the Companion Early Bird Outlet for some bread and pastries. It was late season Cardinals games, and if we were lucky a World Series run. It was a time for sweaters and jackets and beards and beers and everything I loved.

But this year my fall is different. 

It feels isolated and lonely and unmotivated.

I feel like just sitting at home and watching TV and eating Ben and Jerry's. Or maybe just sleeping. Or maybe just laying there. Not sleeping, not reading, not thinking.

I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't want to see anyone.

Yet, at the same time I am craving attention. I want to be seen, be heard, be held, be loved. Misery doesn't love company, it loves an audience.

I want to cry. I want to scream. I want to stop crying. I want to feel nothing when I feel something, and I want to feel something when I feel nothing.

I'll probably read this someday - maybe tomorrow, maybe next week, maybe a year from now - and I'll regret it. I'll think I sound pathetic or sad or that I was feeling this way over nothing and no one. I'll probably take it down.

But today, this fall, this is how I'm feeling.