This Fall

Apologies in advance for those of you who read this blog for cute style inspiration, fun things to do in St. Louis and my boring weekend to do lists. This blog is first and foremost for me and there's some stuff I need to get off my chest. Shit's about to get real.

Fall used to be my favorite time of year in St. Louis. There were so many festivals, Oktoberfest, balloon races in Forest Park, perfect weather for walks and visits to the Tower Grove Farmers Market. It was the best time for leaves on the street, the Best of Missouri Markets, the Shaw Art Fair, decorating pumpkins for my front porch, stops in at the Companion Early Bird Outlet for some bread and pastries. It was late season Cardinals games, and if we were lucky a World Series run. It was a time for sweaters and jackets and beards and beers and everything I loved.

But this year my fall is different. 

It feels isolated and lonely and unmotivated.

I feel like just sitting at home and watching TV and eating Ben and Jerry's. Or maybe just sleeping. Or maybe just laying there. Not sleeping, not reading, not thinking.

I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't want to see anyone.

Yet, at the same time I am craving attention. I want to be seen, be heard, be held, be loved. Misery doesn't love company, it loves an audience.

I want to cry. I want to scream. I want to stop crying. I want to feel nothing when I feel something, and I want to feel something when I feel nothing.

I'll probably read this someday - maybe tomorrow, maybe next week, maybe a year from now - and I'll regret it. I'll think I sound pathetic or sad or that I was feeling this way over nothing and no one. I'll probably take it down.

But today, this fall, this is how I'm feeling. 

The Process

"I’m having a hard time trusting in The Process." 

 “What process?” 

 “The process that says if I do my part, everything will turn out right.”

via humans of new york

Lately It's the Wine

Today is THE WORST.

That's all. I might delete this post later. Maybe.

This Weekend

Quick list of things to do this weekend:

• drink wine and catch up with girlfriends in Columbia
• watch Project Runway
• have a movie marathon of Bling Ring, Drinking Buddies, Great Gatsby and/or Mud
• sleep in my bed and watch shows on my iPad – because I plan on being too lazy for the couch
• paint my nails some pretty fall color
• go to Target and buy throw pillows, fall candles, plaid things and a face mask
• clean my house
• go for a run sans dog – he's on 'vacation' with my parents
• watch the Emmy's with my good friends red wine, Old St. Louis Chop Suey and Ben & Jerry's

image via Littlest Things

Be Better: No Matter How You Feel

The Essential Southwest Colorado Camping/Road Trip Packing List

I just got back from a six-day trip to Southwest Colorado and Arizona to visit the Grand Canyon and Petrified Forest and decided to put together a little list of the things I couldn't live without. Now, keep in mind this list is excluding the obvious – like a tent, for example – but come on, that would just be overwhelming to name every single thing.

I will say, for the sake of transparency, that all of our camping equipment was shipped out to Colorado a few week's prior, so we didn't have to worry about getting that through security or on the plane. Definitely made things easier. And I was travelling in a pair, so that meant two carry-on bags (and more importantly, two Ziploc baggies of liquids!).

So, here it is, my Essential Southwest Colorado Camping/Road Trip Packing List:

Baseball cap, backpack, and as many American Apparel v-necks as your suitcase will allow. This pic was from our day at Mesa Verde. 

TGFB (Thank God for Birchbox!) We've accumulated so many travel size items it makes packing a breeze. Pictured here, toothpaste, dry shampoo, moisturizer and CC cream. Also, wet wipes! These things came in super handy for days we didn't get to shower (as did the dry shampoo). 

A rain jacket. You know, for that day that it inevitably rains on your hike at the Grand Canyon. le sigh. 

Slip-on shoes for the airport, long days in the car and at campsites are a must! Sperry's were substantial enough for all the little trails and scenic overlooks we stopped to visit.

A koozie for all the beers you'll be consuming. Don't worry about packing it though - pick one up as a souvenir! :)

Scandal (or other binge-worthy show) on your iPad. I'll admit, I planned to do a lot of reading this week, and alas, I did not. But hey, now I'm all caught up with Olivia Pope and pals. 

Also got a lot of use out of Nike dri-fit socks, my cross body bag from Rack and Clutch, quick-dry towels from Reebok (pretty sure they were meant for hot yoga...) and our car charger for iPhone/iPad. 

Happy packing! :)

Read more about my visit to the Grand Canyon, Petrified Forest National Park, Mesa Verde, Cortez, Durango and beyond.